Sunday, April 17, 2005

Redefining my position

Last Year I wrote a "thank you" message (its there somewhere on the internet!) to all the people who had been in my life the last 20 something years, its so unbelievable that a year has already past. This time I'm turning a year older and a lot of things have changed. I've met new wonderful people, my relationships with some of my close buddies has sort of faded, and more sadly there is one person I will never be able to get as close to as I would have wanted. Now, that is a way of putting it lightly, the other way would be to explain how heartbroken I am. She asked me "not to write" and I listened. So basically where that leaves me is somewhere between confusion and hope. Hope that I'm still quite young and have a lot to look forward to ahead of me. Hope that one of these days, I will wake up one morning to a smiling brand new day where my life will be changed forever.

I have shifted from the position where I was asking "Where do you find the right one?" to here, where I'm standing in an equally confused state, asking, "How do you know this is the right one?" Here most people are likely to give you the theoretically artifical answer, "Just listen to your heart". That however would be very easy to do if and only if, your brain is quiet. How can you hear your heart speaking when the brain makes more noise? Looking into it further, you discover that the brain is louder because all around you standards are continually being set. Society is putting all kinds of pressure on you. Society is busy shaping your needs to conform to common acceptable modern day standards. No matter how much you tell yourself you are your own person, it still remains true that the person you are is a product of many factors of which society is one.

You will tell yourself you dont care what whoever thinks, you only care about what you want. All you then need to do is ask yourself howcome you want that which you want. What influences your decisions and choices? I have always told myself I'm a simple guy who wants simple things, but sadly its not that simple. Until recently though, I think my greatest problem was the fear of committing to one person. I was so afraid of being tied down for the rest of my life. Afraid that soon after I tie myself down someone better would come along. Afraid of the responsibilities that come along with having a permanent partner in life. But all that is changed, right now all that is required is to reach the velocity of escape or the critical mass required. So that why I've declared this year mine.

All I need to do is to train my brain to speak the same language that my heart speaks (or vice versa), so for now pray for me (and my country in these trying times, please pray for Zimbabwe)... eh, but don't forget me

I am manulite.


Nini Finaye said...

some where in this internet space i came across you and decided to write. Somethings you write rang true for me too. I am in America...but from Zim...just turned 30 and hoping to find an equal partner in this race of life...but my experiences thus far have made me bitter about love and possibility. I thought I had found my KIiung but alas he was not convinced that I was his Queen...what do you do after loving someone w/ every fibre of your ebing for almsit 2yrs. Nothing is very the same when you truly let go & love. Its almost a year now...well 10mths actually..and my herat still is broken...perhaps it is 4ever..i have a good job, my own home, my own car...but i want to be familied..I only Hope that if God brings someone to my life..I will be brave enough to try again to love...


Manulite said...

its definately not easy picking up the pieces from your broken heart, but no matter how many times the heart gets broken, we find (from somewhere) the strength to live today and the day after.
i have made myself believe that in the end we'll turn out just fine, and that only time separates us from those who 'death will do us part', so there must always hope that one day you will love again,and of course be loved back too.

jalberto said...

Nice blog, see you at internet.